Questions Which Interfere with Communication
( This page is from Conversio Virium , a student BDSM group from Columbia University . The views expressed are theirs , it is here for information only . There is a link to the original page at the end . We have also experienced the same type of misinformed views . )
These are paraphrases of actual comments made by health care professionals to members of Conversio Virium on different occasions. While we assume most professionals understand the need for empathy and tact, the rare occurrence of such negative interactions has caused patients to stop seeing health care professionals or caused them to seriously question how much information to share with their doctors and nurses. Obviously, the more communication between clients and health care professionals, the better medical care and advice will be.
- 1. Does your boyfriend/girlfriend beat you up?
- This question is too judgmental because it assumes abuse occurred. Use questions designed to determine whether or not an activity is abusive, such as the previous questions.
- 2. Would you like to join a support group for survivors of abuse or a battered women's shelter?
- Don't ask a question like this until you have determined that the patient is an abuse survivor.
- 3. Do you think so low of yourself that it's OK for someone to hit you?
- This question wrongly assumes that BDSM is bad and that all BDSM ers have low self-esteem.
- 4. Have you been in a series of relationships where your partners hit you?
- It is a good question to ask to determine patterns of abuse only but not whether the current relationship is abusive.
- 5. Where on earth did you get that (bruise/brand/scar/mark)?
- Questions need to be asked with tact to foster communication between patients and health care providers. Please don't assume something negative has happened to a patient or indicate that you have negative feelings about their lifestyle until you have as many facts as possible.
- 6. Are you in therapy for this problem?
- BDSM is not a problem or a psychological disorder.
- 7. Why would anyone actually enjoy doing that?
- There are many different reasons why people enjoy BDSM. The tone of this question will only discourage further communication.
- 8. Aren't you a feminist?
- Whether or not one is a BDSMer has no
bearing on whether one is a feminist.
- There is a lot of controversy about BDSM in the feminist community. For a feminist BDSMer perspective read Coming to Power by Samois, listed in the Resource section.
- 9. Don't you find that degrading/humiliating?
- Taken literally, the answer may be "yes" because some people find consensual role play "humiliation" erotic. In other cases, it is simply insulting to the patient and the answer need be self-evidently "no."
- 10. Do you do this because you were abused as a child?
- There is no data showing a
correlation, let alone a causality, of abuse and BDSM.
- Not all people who practice BDSM were abused as children, nor do all survivors of abuse practice BDSM.
- Survivors of abuse who do practice BDSM have widely different perceptions of whether or not a correlation between their abuse and their BDSM exists.
- Not all people who practice BDSM were abused as children, nor do all survivors of abuse practice BDSM.
.............. Conversio Virium , Columbia University
